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The Tourist is Back!
The Occidental Tourist · October 29, 2004

Ahh, another year, of travel for the Tourist. So, as Donald Trump says on his TV ad campaign ... did you miss me? Hah! The Tourist didn't miss you either. He was too busy with more tales of horror, mistreatment and devastation on the road:

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In New York to celebrate the missus' 40th birthday with a swanky stay at the Waldorf-Astoria, which, incidentally, upgraded the Tourist and Missus to Towers (Celebrity/VIP) accommodations free of charge. Without the Tourist even asking for it, or mentioning that he was a travel writer. Good show, Waldorf!

Interesting debate on an elevator, one for which the Tourist would love to get some reader feedback: A woman starts shelling out cash to tip the bellman. She has five suitcases. After the ten spot, she starts adding ones: "... 11, 12, 13 ..."

Her daughter was incredulous: "Mom! You do NOT need to tip him $13 to carry our bags!"

"Well," the mom said. "We have a lot of bags."

The Tourist HAD to weigh in. "Actually," he said, "in a place like this, you should only tip in increments of five. And I think $10 is fine. They have a wheeled luggage carrier after all. Five bags or eight ... It's pretty much the same effort."

Naturally, the Tourist tipped housekeeping too, with a $5. The guys who called the taxi got a $5. Which brings up some interesting questions:

1. Why do you tip more at a five-star place, as opposed to a perfectly respectable Hyatt? Or Holiday for that matter? After all, if someone handles your bags at a less-luxurious place, aren't they making the same effort?

2. Is the Tourist's "Tip only in increments of $5" rule at high-end hotels valid? How come?

3. Do you tip housekeeping at all? Is it ok to tip housekeeping at a high-end place, but not at, say, a Day's Inn? Why?

Readers: E-mail away. The Tourist will use my best responses for a future column ...

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Now we all know what the ultimate motive is for complaining? We DO know that, right? OK, sigh. Let the Tourist explain it to you. Again.

It is not about blowing steam, although steam certainly will be blown. It is not about offering 'constructive feedback' to a travel-based company, in hopes that future customers will be better served.

It is about getting something back for your trouble.

Case in point: During a trip to the Outer Banks, N.C., the Tourist and his extended family rented a large home in Duck. Said home was advertised to have certain amenities, but fell far short. It lacked some electronic toy goodies, a cabana and access to a community pool. Oh yeah, an elevator for help mom and pop turned out to be in disrepair. The community pool was now shut down for the summer, a detail that somehow eluded the booking agent when the Tourist's mom was going over all details on the phone.

But mom - dear, sweet mom ... dear, sweet, misguide mom - clearly hadn't read her son's columns when it came time to complain. (Hey, mom! You DO read the columns, don't you?!) Well, anyway, her end of the conversation went like this: "But you advertised that the property provided these things ... You never mentioned this on the phone ... Well, I guess I just wanted to bring it to your attention, that's all ..."

Mom, fer cryin' out loud! You can't GET something out of the ordeal unless you at least ASK! In this case, a rebate on the week's charge, given that what was provided fell far short of what was promised.

The Tourist demonstrated the capacity for getting something for perceived failings a few days later. As July 4 fell on a Sunday, the Sunday that was move-out day in Duck, he decided to take his lil' family to a hotel in Nag's Head to stay for the fireworks. The room not having a kitchen, he ordered a pizza for dinner. On the phone, he was promised a delivery of no more than 45 minutes.

Natch, after 90 minutes and repeated phone calls asking for updates, no pizza was in sight. So the Tourist, upon his fourth phone call on the matter, simply said with assurance, "... and I assume, given the problems, that this pizza is free, yes?" The employee on the phone said, "Oh, sure. No problem."

The pizza came 20 minutes later. The Tourist paid nothing. Then, 15 minutes later, the pizza place's manager angrily called the Tourist at his hotel room, claiming that the employee on the phone had no authority to OK a free pizza. "It's the Fourth of July!" he fumed to the Tourist. "Do you know how many orders we're getting!! I know what room you're staying in, and I can call the police!"

Now, you're probably thinking that the Tourist backed down and offered to pay. Or maybe he offered to pay a compromised, discounted charge. But that would demonstrate that you don't know the Tourist: "The last time I checked," the Tourist told the manager, "the fact that the Fourth of July was today has come as a surprise to no one. If you failed to staff accordingly, that is not my concern. What IS my concern is that you fell more than an hour late on a promised delivery time, and that I was then provided via phone conversation with your own staff a comped pizza.

Therefore, your anger should be directed at your employees, and not me. And that is what I will tell any police officer who would even bother to look into any criminal complaint you'd like to make, a complaint, by the way, that would be a misdemeanor of the most petty charge at best."

For some reason, the Tourist and his family enjoyed their free pizza, the fireworks and a good night's sleep that night. Without anyone wearing a blue uniform knocking on the door.

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In columns past, the Tourist has praised the wonders of off-season travel. But, let's say you want to head out to the beach while - wacky you! - it was still summer. No problem. The Tourist took his lil' family to the Delaware beaches in the peak season. On Labor Day week, no less. But he got them there with virtually no traffic. That's right. At a time when news stations advise travelers, to avoid an eight-hour ordeal, to head out either before 6 a.m. on a Saturday or after 8 p.m. - yeah, right, like THAT'S going to happen - the Tourist whisked his family to and from the beach in little more than three hours.

How so? He decided to book a mini-break: Four days and three nights at the beach. And since he could pick the days, he left on a Tuesday and came back on a Friday. "Boy," he remarked to his family on the road, "where's all of that traffic that we hear about on the radio?" And, hey, isn't this something ... The beach is still the beach on a Tuesday, as opposed to a Saturday.

A week later, the Tourist headed out to Ocean City, Md., with a party of male buds from college. This time, he headed out on a Friday. But he thought he'd be safe because it was the Friday after Labor Day. He was right. Somehow, even though the sun was out and the beach was happenin', oceanside towns seemingly shut down the minute the clock strikes midnight on Labor Day. Which suits the Tourist. He only had one flaw in his planning - it happened to be the same weekend that every Harley owner in the mid-Atlantic was there at the same time for some kind of biker gathering. So bars were packed and the ride home was a drag. Otherwise, the weekend was a success.

Now, if the Tourist can just get rid of the tattoo that one of the bikers talked him into, after the 11th round of tequila

The Occidental Tourist is a magazine writer in Washington, DC. He writes this column annually - more or less. E-mail him if you like his column. He loves hearing from you.