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(c) Elliott Publishing.

Good Bidet
Err Travel · May 2, 2000

I get out of town a fair amount and consider myself to be in the top quartile of sophistication when it comes to knowing what's what when traveling. But I am an unquestionable ignoramus when it comes to bidets. I was reminded again of this gap in my education on a recent trip to Spain.

As a born and bred American, bidets never made an appearance in my world until I traveled overseas after high school. I was quick to narrow down their probable function. They looked like toilets with seats that had gone missing and with peculiar bubblers in the middle.

I found some variations to this basic design (e.g., stereo water streams, stoppers in the basin, electronic controls), but because they were always located in bathrooms, near the toilets, I determined that they were probably not water fountains for short people. They could be foot baths. Or they could be …Ohmygawd!

The light came on.

I now understand the purpose but am still in the dark about the procedure. Certainly, I cannot be alone in my ignorance. There have to be thousands - no, millions! - of travelers who encounter this puzzle every year.

I've looked in guides written for European travelers (Michelin) and found nothing. Not a big surprise here. Europeans already know the routine. They no more need guidance in using a bidet than instruction in teeth-brushing or hair-combing.

I've consulted guides aimed at American travelers (Fodor's,Frommer's, Lonely Planet). Still, not a word. Britannica and Encarta encyclopedias were of no help either.

I've tried other online sources as well. The Sulabh International Museum of Toilets didn't get me diddley. USA Bidet (interestingly this rhymes with USA Today, a competitor of sorts in the "hard copy" market) has a fairly comprehensive discussion of perineal hygiene but not much in the way of procedure.

The website for the Geberit ShowerToilet is flush with historical information but no operator's manual. Sole Convenience doesn't explain the operation either. But they do invite Southern Californians to "visit our office to 'Test Drive' all bidets."

Huh?

If I'm right about the purpose of this appliance, I just don't see myself taking a "test drive" on it in somebody's office. But in Southern California …?

I had high hopes of finding the information I was after as the graphics on the Mini-Bidet Web site was wiping across my computer screen. There, on the left was a link to Sears. What could be more American, more sensible, more down-to-earth, more regular? But, alas, it was only a link to arrange for installation. (Note: To help your bottom line, Mini-Bidet does offer affiliate memberships.)

In desperation, I even questioned my oh-so-urbane friends about proper bidet practice. What I got were weird looks and remarks that they'd like to help, butt ….

So I'm at a loss. I try not to dwell on it, but this porcelain mystery does leave me perplexed. Any assistance would be appreciated. Just send your instructions to me at terry@ticked.com.

Dr. Terry Riley is a psychologist and travel security authority. His column appears on Wednesdays. He is author of the popular book Travel Can Be Murder. Visit his site at http://www.appliedpsychology.com or e-mail him at terry@ticked.com.